Impeachment anxiety

Thank You, Lord, for being here with me — waiting for me to be here, too — as I come to You.

The chaos and cacophony of our time — so troubled, so troubling — so wearying, so worrisome — sends me into flurries of activity.

As the storms rage around me, little blasts of energy, like whirling dervishes — those little devils — seem to pick me up, insist that I do — do anything, just do — no real plan or intent, just action.

“He’s corrupt and evil,” they scream, “immoral and bloodless.”

“But he’s our guy, doing our will,” the others yell back, “so, sit down and shut up.”

Or, switch channels to find yet another school shooter with victims and casualties in the process of being counted.

Or pause for a moment. Turn to a whole other source only to learn that Your beautiful bride here on earth has been — is being — raped and ravaged, her pure white garments bloodied and torn. It’s happening today, right now (still?), in front our of eyes, as we all look on stunned, impotent, each of us frozen and captive in our own bubbles.

And we’re left wandering like lost sheep, wondering what can I do? What should I do? Where is our worthy leader in this age to show us our way back to You? Where are our priests, our prophets? Your Magisterium has become so riddled with corruption, which of them can I trust?

Only here, Father, in this quiet place with You — the calm center of my soul — where Your Light radiates out, Your Holy Spirit warms my being, and soothes the frenzied and frayed edges of my mind — only here do the storms cease, the waters still, and I can find the faith (even if just for a moment) to step outside the security of my own little boat and walk with You on the water.

Steady my way, Holy Lord. Strengthen my faith. Be my Solid Rock, that I might strengthen others You place along my way.

“Have faith, choose me,” said Our Father

Good Morning, Father.

What a day yesterday! Thank You for Your loving discipline, Father.

I intended to and wanted so much to attend Mass with You at noon. But I was waiting for a Fed Ex delivery and I didn’t want to miss the delivery guy. What to do?

And, I chose wrong. I chose to sit around a wait and missed being with You at Mass.

What could possibly have clouded my judgment, Father? Could the choice have been any more straightforward? You or …. what … stuff? Really?

As the afternoon progressed — one hour after another long hour — it became increasingly clear that the delivery wasn’t coming; that the address correction was still a problem, despite multiple attempts to correct an earlier mistake. And not only did my delivery not make it, but my husband failed to receive a package he was waiting for in a whole other town and our friend’s electricity issues promise to require an expensive fix.

We all found ourselves in a bit of a state.

I won’t say that my choice of waiting for earthly things, rather than coming to Mass was the cause of it all, but I do think You’re communicating with me in very clear terms.

When I make a spiritual commitment to You, as I had done (it seemed very like I was making a commitment to myself, but You were drawing me to You, weren’t You Father, by spurring my desire for You), even if earthly circumstances might suggest a scheduling problem, I need to HAVE FAITH AND CHOOSE YOU.

I knew — both spiritually and intellectually — that You would have taken care of whatever delivery problem might have ensued from my coming to Mass. Even though I can’t say how the problem would have been resolved, I know from all the experiences I have had with Your grace that You would have handled it for me, at a minimum, and more likely, would have blessed me with even greater grace. But instead I failed You and myself.

Thank You Father for this assurance of Your teaching. Forgive me for not choosing You. I know better. And because You know I know better, You disciplined me with the most gentle (yet the most clear and exacting) punishments. As You have done in earlier times when I have acted in ways at odds with Your teaching (that’s kind of the definition of “sin,” isn’t it, Father?), You not only punished me, but You allowed Your punishment to ripple out and affect others around me whom I care for. In that way, You know that, even if I missed the point about my own relationship with You, I will seek to protect others from the bearing the burden of my faithlessness.

Forgive me, Holy Lord. Thank You for Your discipline, for teaching me how to live life for You, with You at the center and highest most place.

Thank You for healing me after the bruise of my sin and for loving me as only You can do.

Thank You for Your Holy Words that You insisted I write down and remember: “HAVE FAITH, CHOOSE ME.

In the name of Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen

My belated response to Melinda Henneberger

Melinda Henneberger wrote and published a column in the National Catholic Reporter back in December 5, 2018 on her reasons for leaving the Catholic Church. She (and many of us) felt a crisis of conscious over the McGarrick revelations and the unfolding knowledge of our church’s continuing sex abuse scandal and coverup.

I shared her pain and her anger and frustration, as so many of us Catholics did, upon hearing the unwelcome news. I wrote this response at the time, mostly for my own healing. I share it here in the hope that it touches other hearts that have been broken by this terrible tragedy.

Dear Melinda,

First and foremost, I want to tell you how grateful I am for your column in NCR. I’ve been avoiding organizing my own thoughts, even as I’ve known I would have to do so eventually. Your column provided a helpful catalyst.

My heart hurt for you, as it does for all of us, as I read your piece. Our hearts have been shattered by this evil…most especially for the first order victims and their families. Their pain is paramount. But, all of us who love the church are experiencing our own personal crises.

I’ve recently been trying to understand and live better our church’s teaching on how to be blessed by the pain and challenges given to each of us. To somehow recognize and be blessed more deeply by His grace that attends painful times.

So, it was in this frame of mind that I prayed for you and for our church this morning. I asked God how my heart should respond to your decision to leave. Is it a signal for all of us to fragment? To exercise Rod Dreher’sBenedict Option”?

If not, how best do I respond? To the obvious corruption that has so gripped our beautiful teachings? To my own confusion and distress? How can I possibly be blessed by the knowledge of this terrible travesty that too many of our church fathers have allowed or enabled … or worse?

And, as I felt emotion well up inside me, I saw Our Lord in Gethsemane as Christ shed His tears of blood. I heard as His words from Sermon on the Mount rang out:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

And I looked on at Calvary as He hung in pain on the cross. I heard Him tell Dismis, the good thief, “you will be with me today in heaven.

Then He gave His beloved disciple and all of us into HIs mother’s care to wait for Him until His return. Mother Mary will comfort each of us, if we allow her to embrace us.

For my own part, as a sinner who wandered and wondered for far too many years before finding the Catholic Church, before being allowed to join in the joyful celebration feast, before being fed and formed by the church’s teaching, before experiencing the warmth and abundance of our Blessed Mother’s embrace, before knowing how or even why I should want to walk with our Lord as He lived and died for us and for our salvation, I have opted to continue to receive and be fed by the Holy Eucharist and, as often as I can, to sit with our Lord in adoration and to pray our Holy Mother’s Rosary .

Is He really present in the host as Catholic teaching says? Can He only be present through the word and exhortation of priests ordained in apostolic succession from Peter? I was told once, ‘It’s a Mystery. We have to leave room for the mystery.’ So, is it true? I don’t know….mysteries, by definition, mysterious. But I do have faith. I believe based on my own personal experience and based on knowledge from the Holy Spirit within me, and my belief comforts me.

I’ve opted to stay — where else can we go, Lord? — and to wait (as much as possible) in joy-filled anticipation of His beautiful face. I know He will come one day and sort us all out. He will cleanse and purify, again and again, each of us and His Church Bride on Earth.

In the meantime I give thanks that you and I and other believers have already been given the end of the story. We know that the sweet incense that fills our beautiful sanctuaries throughout the world will not be overwhelmed by the sin and corruption of Satan’s smoke.

Those priests and bishops will not win, who, through their acts or their inaction, have caused your crisis of communion with the church. Theirs will be a terrible fate.

I pray your mourning for our church blesses you and that you allow Him to walk with you and to comfort you as you wander for a time in the desert. And when it is time, I pray you will again find a comfortable place at His table where we will all rejoice as one church in Christ, where we will all rejoice that we who have gone lost are once again found.

In the meantime I pray He blesses you richly and continuously on your journey.

Yours in Christ,

Mary Adrienne