Mother, I’m so sorry

Work in progress, drafted August 24, 2013

I’m so sorry, Mother,
That I wasn’t with you when you passed.

You were all alone
And scared.

I know God was there waiting for you,
But, there was no one on this side
To hold your hand,
To help ease your way from us;
To Him, without fear.

I could have stayed.
That last night, when I was visiting you.
I’d brought you soup, made just the way you like,
But I could have done more.
I could have stayed with you through the night.

I could have touched you.
Allowed you to touch me.
But I didn’t know how,
And now,
My whole soul mourns our loss.

I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you one last time
The last time I left your room.
Even though I’d kissed you ‘bye’ already
I could have walked back to your bed
To kiss you, to be kissed by you,
Just one more time.
Made just one last memory together.

My fear of your loss wouldn’t let me.
It was as though chains held me fast,
Not allowing me to believe,
Not allowing me to accept that
That one time would be my last.

I miss you, Mom.
There really is no other one
Who fills the place in my life
Left incomplete by your passing.

The place in my heart
I so often barred you from,
That place is empty and alone;
It is a place in me
That you so wanted to touch,
But a place
I never allowed you to love.

So you’re gone now,
But so not forgotten.

Pray for me, Mother mine,
As you have always done.
Please, be there on that day
When I come to join you.
When we can reach out and hold one another
In a new and joyful and holy embrace.

No longer shaded by
My fear and failing and remorse.